I need to learn humility and let go of my pride. I need to embrace a life of zero expectations and to think about and control my actions.
Who is in charge? My flesh? My body? Do my muscles act on their own accord? The obvious answer is no. My mind is in control, but it is weak, ill-disciplined, and rash. I have given my body leave to react on autopilot without prior reflection regarding the most appropriate future course of action.
To explain further and try to describe the scope of my mental maladies, I’ll share an experience I had during a French class. Here is an excerpt from my journal.
Begin excerpt
When another student speaks French with their thick American accent and absolutely horrible pronunciation, my entire being cringes. Like nails on a chalkboard, their verbal assault pains me.
The correct course of action is to use reason and understand that they are not perfect, that they are trying to learn, and it’s not personal. Additionally, when I speak, I probably have a similar effect on others.
That’s the correct way to deal with it, but unfortunately, that is not what happens.
When they speak, my eyes close in agony. As they continue, my nose crinkles in disgust. If they yet go on, my hands clench in a silent request for them to shut up.
End excerpt
These physical manifestations are the result of my untrained mind. Poorly spoken French is not to blame. I alone am to blame for allowing external inputs to shape my actions without prior reflection.
Removed from the stimulus, I can easily analyze the situation and understand how I should act. Though, when presented with some uncomfortable situations, it can be difficult to demonstrate the mental fortitude to think first and act second.
Feeling emotions is perfectly okay and normal. When hearing possibly terrible news, for example, it’s normal for your mind to race through every negative outcome perceivable and then latch on to that which one most fears. It’s normal to feel these emotions, but wrong to give into them.
It is someone of strong mind and will who can inwardly pause and use reason to deconstruct and judge the situation.
