A conversation with the right someone can be a wonderful, mutually edifying experience. Conversely, trying to talk with the wrong someone is annoying at best and downright frustrating most of the time. Due to work demands, I’ve been spending much more time dealing with others for the past year and have decided that most of my conversations fall into one of three categories. Talking with, talking to, and talking at!

Talking With

In my opinion, this is by far the best of the three, an information-sharing session with someone who both listens and adds to a conversation. Both parties are engaged, and the interaction is tireless. 

Not long ago, I stopped for lunch at a pub nearby and met a fellow who struck up a conversation. Intellectually, we were a perfect match, and thinking back, I wish we had exchanged contact information. The topics ranged from international travel to language and philosophy, just to name a few. I suppose what we talked about doesn’t matter. However, it was how we talked, the balanced give and take, that mattered. It was effortless.

I want to meet more people like this. Even in disagreement, the interaction is worthwhile. 

Now, onto the more typical types of conversations I find myself in. 

Talking To

This is a very one-sided conversation. It could be between a boss and a worker or even among equals. The defining quality though, is only one person is doing the talking. 

In the case of the boss, the worker is probably too scared or otherwise uncomfortable to try to say much, and the boss takes control of the conversation. This makes the boss feel good because having a rapt audience feels good and fuels the ego.

Another example of Talking To is when you are trying to speak with someone who isn’t paying attention.  Maybe they walk away, choose not to look you in the eye, or focus on their computer screen or work instead of actively listening to what you are trying to communicate. 

Years ago, I worked with a guy who did this. Pretty much anytime you went into his office, he wouldn’t take his eyes off this monitor. He would sound out affirmations and attempt discourse, but it was pretty rude and annoying treatment. 

Unfortunately for him, he was let go. Too many tasks were not completed or turned in late, and using work systems to run statistical analyses on your favorite college football team was evidently frowned upon. Personally, I just hated talking to him. 

Talking At

Getting talked at is the worst. Invariably, this can occur during many different circumstances, but being a good listener and being patient puts a target on your back. If you are an active and polite listener, beware because you will be taken advantage of. 

Of course, this comes in different flavors similar to talking to. This could happen with someone you care about, like with a friend or a lover. You care for them, they haven’t spoken to anyone all day and they let loose. You nod and smile and cajole, and they feel good. They needed to get it all out. That’s an acceptable form of getting talked at, and it’s being a good friend to listen.

What’s not acceptable is trying to have a conversation with someone who won’t shut up, let you utter a response, and argues with whatever you say, whether they agree with you or not, if in the end, you are able to respond. 

Okay, let me breathe for a second or two and calm down. As you can see, I’m so tired of getting talked at. It’s exhausting

So that’s it

That’s what’s been on my mind while being talked at for the past year.  Soon, I’ll return home to my amazing wife and to my shop, where the only voice will be that of my hammer on the anvil. 

For someone often annoyed by conversing with others, blacksmithing is the perfect trade.