Fear has been my ultimate motivator; the fear of not fitting in, not doing a good job, not being liked, and ultimately, the fear of failing. Fear has motivated me to do better.
Words are important to me. Or should I say, the meaning behind words is important to me. When I go for my morning walks or sit still and am silent, I often think of important words in my life. Fear is one of the most powerful of such.
I’m not a stranger to success, and not because I’m exceptionally talented or intelligent. I think I have often been successful because I have been afraid. I live with fear every day. And, you know what? I’d like that to change.
Fear is the Mind-Killer
The famous line from Frank Herbert’s Dune comes to mind. Fear is the mind-killer! I don’t know what he meant when he wrote those words. I don’t know exactly what it signified to Paul Atreides, who was the main character in the novel, but to me, it has a very personal meaning, which perhaps is similar to Paul’s.
Conquer your fear in order to have a better future.
After coming home from Afghanistan in 2009, I remember the Army asking me a lot of questions. Were you involved in any explosions? Did you hit your head? Did you experience a traumatic situation where you feared for your life? Do you have PTSD?
I always answered, no. Year after year, for the past decade, I always answered no.
I was afraid. Afraid of being labeled, of losing future opportunities, and being thought of as weak. And, none of my buddies were saying yes. Or so I thought.
Fast Forward 10 or so years, and I realize that fear was and is the mind-killer in this case. I did have PTSD, and instead of getting help, I ignored it and suppressed my emotions until this year. Early this year, a friend of mine – a former Soldier – killed himself. He didn’t reach out, he didn’t conquer his fear and say yes. He lied and said no.
No, I’m fine. No, I’m good to go, sir! Ready to serve! All the while, he suffered inside until the day he took his life.
So yeah, fear. It’s the ultimate motivator. But, it’s also the mind-killer.
What Motivates you Matters
Now, I don’t try to do my best out of fear. I do it out of joy. I joyfully work and play and live my life. Joy is a superior motivator than fear. Joy isn’t driven or twisted by the opinions of others. Joy isn’t dependent on how well you perform.
Live with joy in your heart. Work and think and exercise and play joyfully.
But, let’s be honest. There is still fear in my life. Some habits are hard to break. Yes, I’d like a perfect utopian existence where I live in joy, but I don’t have it. I do though, have momentary successes. Life is a circle; it seems to repeat itself. And, some days are better than others.
Once at a time
I live my life once at a time, one day at a time. I live every day as well as I can, and I don’t keep score. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come. There is only now, and we all should live joyfully today for a better tomorrow.
Another powerful motivator in life is regret, but in truth, it’s a poison. Yes, I have tried harder and worked harder for more extended periods due to regret, but it’s a negative emotion. Feeling regret sucks.
Like fear, maybe none of us can ever be free from some regret, but it should be tempered by understanding and acceptance. It shouldn’t weigh you down like a boat anchor. The past is gone, yet we have the capacity to bring what happened in the past back into our minds, and we can feel it like it was happening again at this very moment.
I wish – I could’ve – I should’ve. Or something like that. Choose your regrets wisely!
You can’t go back in time and change what you did. You can only live right now, in the moment.
Imagination
At times, fear comes from you using your imagination negatively. It’s not always based in reality, and for me, rarely an appropriate response to the situation.
Human beings are amazing. We’re clever and imaginative. Compared to other life on this planet, we really are something to behold. However, a downfall to that intelligence is how affected we are by our baser instincts and our emotions.
We can act so rashly due to anger or fear or happiness. When emotions come to town, intelligence runs for the hills. They rarely exist together.
I mentioned earlier that I was in Afghanistan. I was there from April 2008 to March 2009, and I have many exciting memories from that time. Since I started writing in this blog, I also started thinking, really thinking about what I want to say and how I can be best understood. It’s funny how writing helps one think, but since starting this blog, I also started thinking about my past, and it has allowed me to think more accurately about the war I experienced in Afghanistan.
Shortly after arriving in Afghanistan, my team and I jumped on a CH-47 Chinook and flew out to our first combat outpost. The very night after we landed, I volunteered to go out on patrol with the guys we came to support.
It wasn’t a special mission, to be sure. It was a night patrol in HMMWVs along the periphery of the valley. I was excited and nervous and ready to prove myself. That is until the commander called me on the radio and told me to investigate two men near the edge of the main road with shovels in hand.
I remember my mind stopped working, and my heart felt like it was beating on the outside of my body armor. I got stuck, stuck in a sea of emotions, and fear for my own life was paramount among them. I knew what they were doing. They’re the enemy on the road with shovels!! Right? They’re burying IEDs!
The TC (truck commander) turned around and saw the look on my face. He was a veteran. He smiled and told me to stay put and that he’d go. After he came back, he explained that they were just farmers, and it was their turn to divert the irrigation water to water their fields.
Like I said, my fears are rarely based in reality.
After that day, I locked my fear up. I locked up any emotion not fit to help me in war, and now I have the privilege of reopening those locks and letting the old feelings go. It’s an eerily satisfying task once completed. But fear is a right bastard. It’s like a tick that won’t let go.
Words Mean to Me
So that’s the first word on my list. I have 14 more. It should keep me busy this next year. The Army has called, and I have answered. Once more into the fray. I’m deploying for the fourth time in my Army career, and though not quite as exciting as being a much younger me in Afghanistan, I’ll still be away from family and friends.
My next word will be drive or joy or passion. Or maybe satisfaction, creation, or recognition. Any word will do. They all mean something special to me.
